"Inside my crazy world"

Hello! I’m probably just talking to myself here… but if not, thank you for taking time to read my blog! 

I’m Danielle, I’m 21 years young, and I've decided to pluck up the courage to write a blog, maybe this is a bad idea, but you don’t know unless you try!!

So, you’re probably wondering what is this blog about? well, I suffer with quite major anxiety & depression. In the real world, most people don’t see or even believe this. Most people think it’s all in my head, which I guess it kinda is, but it does affect me in pretty severe ways. This isn't a place for me to sit and moan about my ‘problems’ I wanted to share my story, so that other people out there who may be going through the same or similar things to me, realise they’re not alone.

So, lets get down to the nitty gritty stuff.

I’m going to share my story about where my depression came from. There’s stuff I can’t tell the whole of the internet due to there’s stuff I don’t want people to know, that I’m not allowed to post yet. But without further ado… here we go!

I guess the age my whole life changed was when I was about 12, my Granddad who used to treat me like his daughter sadly developed cancer and eventually passed away. He was my world, he took me everywhere, I was his world too. It turned my whole life upside down, I didn't know what to do, I’d never lost anyone before. I eventually started to recover from it, I started feeling a little better, I was getting ready to study my GCSE’s, living a normal teenage life. Then my Dad started to fall ill. Things weren't right for a long time, I remember sitting at my computer on mothersday, when my grandparents walk in, I hear them say to my mother “have you told them yet?” my heart sunk, what could have happened. They sat me down, and told me the words I’d been dreading to hear “your Dad isn't here anymore, he’s passed away, he’s in a better place.” I didn't know what had happened. Why me? Who’s going to be there when I finish school? college? university? Who’ll walk me down the aisle?

After that I started isolating myself from other people. I hated myself. I felt so alone. I never wanted to do anything. I wanted to die on a daily basis. People started to avoid me, they didn't know how to react to what had happened. I lost a lot of my friends. I didn't know what was wrong with me, I just knew things weren't right.

Since then I've suffered on and off with anxiety and depression. At my worst, I used to be sick every day without fail, out of my control. I couldn't stop. I’d be sat in the canteen at college, or a class and suddenly I just had to leave. My nerves were sky high for no reason. During my A levels the stress just broke me, I cut myself off from everyone, I didn't want friends. I couldn't handle having friends. They didn't understand me. To them I was attention seeking.

Now I’m 21, a university drop out and unable to work because at this current point, my illness controls my life. I can’t go out on my own, I can’t ride public transport. I hate myself most nights. Most nights are a battle against my own thoughts. My medication has made me gain a lot of weight.

Even though most nights I hate myself so much I don’t want to be here, I’m determined to keep fighting. I’m doing this blog to help people understand mental illness. For me I’m determined there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

If you've stuck through this whole blabbering on, thank you very much! If not, I don’t blame you. I promise that the rest of the posts won’t be this long. I just wanted people to understand where my illness began.